africa has indeed kept part of my heart

After 38 hours of traveling and 4 flights later I finally made it home last night from spending most of this past month in Rwanda and Uganda. Now I fully understand why everyone who goes to Africa on a missions trip comes home and changes their Facebook profile picture to that of a picture of them holding a little orphan. In search of a mild sense of relief for this pain I now feel for leaving half my heart in Africa, I succumbed to any feeling of abashment for conforming to the standard Facebook protocol one follows upon returning home from an African missions trip.

Last night I was talking with a friend who mentioned how funny it is that sometimes it takes us going all the way around the world to hear God's voice more clearly or to learn simple spiritual lessons that were too difficult to learn at home. Of course God is speaking to us all the time wherever we are but sometimes I think we are more apt to hear Him speaking to us when we are in different or difficult circumstances or maybe even dangerous circumstances rather than the often dull, daily circumstances of everyday life.

God definitely spoke to me during my time there. I wasn't expecting Him to speak to me through a mighty wind, or a powerful earthquake, or a brazen fire for I feel He sometimes speaks to us best through that still small voice He spoke to the prophet Elijah in. Not that God only speaks in a still small voice but what I mean to say is that I wasn't expecting to experience a mountain-top spiritual high. Going into the trip I was cautious not to let my doubt of having a spiritual mountain-top experience negate any spiritual renewal or revelation I could have had but didn't as the result of closed-mindedness or of having low expectations. Yet God chose to speak to me through a little infant boy badly infected with HIV whose name, quite ironically, is Elijah. He also spoke to me through the relationships our Taylor team built with the students at Kampala International University and the ALARM (African Leadership and Reconciliation Ministries) staff in Rwanda.

Before the trip began and in the initial stages of it, I felt a lot of guilt as I weighed the costs and benefits of short-term missions trips and my own reason for wanting to go to Africa. I used to have this philosophy that if you have already experienced one or two short-term missions trips, the external costs of going on an additional trip(s) outweigh any internal benefits because most of these benefits hopefully have already been experienced during one's first missions trip. God challenged this belief.

During our first week in Rwanda I struggled with trying to understand why I was still feeling incredibly selfish and guilty....I thought if God really wanted me here then why was He allowing me to feel this way? God then spoke to me....not in a big way but through every little interaction I had with the people there, in every smile exchanged, in every laugh shared, in every tear cried, in every hug and handshake, through every dance and song. During our time in Uganda God did something incredible -He forged some deep, meaningful relationships between people of vastly different geographical locations, personalities, and socioeconomic backgrounds.

Our lives are spiritual journeys and for me this 3 week trip to Africa was one significant spiritual journey itself within a larger span of a spiritual journey [my life]. During this 3 week spiritual journey God really taught me the importance of relationships. I used to be more of a task-oriented person growing up, but the older I get the more I realize that it's people who matter most. Over the last few years I really struggled from time to time with the idea of how I should be spending my time. I would become quite distraught over whether I should be doing this activity or that one -both may be equally good things but I would constantly fret over whether or not what I was doing was in God's will for my life and whether or not there was another activity I could have been doing that would bring God even more glory or make an even greater Kingdom-impact. Every day -and especially on this trip -I am realizing more and more that it is people who matter and not so much things or tasks. During my college years I would often feel frustrated with how tied down I was to my schoolwork -I felt I wasn't doing enough for God....not that I felt I needed to do a certain amount of good works but I just felt I wasn't doing as much as I could to further God's Kingdom. While on this trip God supplied me with a sense of comfort and peace regarding the next five years of my life which will be spent in graduate school. If there is one major lesson I learned while in Africa it is this.....it doesn't really matter where you are or what you are doing (as long as they are God-honoring places and things) but what matters is the condition of your heart.....we are most God-honoring and God-glorifying when we give Him our all wherever He takes us and in whatever task He provides for us.

There were times on this trip, as there were times on other missions trips and at other points in my life, where I felt kind of useless and I questioned the impact we were having at times. What good is there in holding a two month old baby slowly dying of HIV? When we leave the orphanage for the day even the oldest toddler probably doesn't remember us for more than a few hours or maybe a couple of days so what's the point other than to experience sadness as time draws near when we must say goodbye? Did we really come all the way to Africa to help paint part of a building? But then I came to realize through these activities that this is the work God has provided for us and we should thank Him for it first of all and then fully engage ourselves in it....we most glorify and honor Him by being fully present both in mind and spirit while doing whatever it is that we are doing, in whatever work God has provided. For me I am still not entirely sure if earning my doctorate in clinical psychology is completely in God's will for my life but I do know and take peace in knowing that it probably isn't outside of His will if He has already allowed me to get into the program, has blessed me with the financial resources, intelligence, and determination to go through the program. I know this time spent in school will allow me to hopefully impact a greater number of people on a greater level some day. Five years of graduate school is just another long, integral segment of my even longer life-long spiritual journey.

Last week while in Uganda we were encouraged to write a poem summarizing what we were feeling as the trip progressed so I tried to compose to the best of my ability, in a short-time frame, the following poem:

Another trip around the world, another white flag unfurled.


Any initial guilt has been slowly starting to wilt.


When did fetching a pail of water suddenly become more important than His own precious daughter?


Every cow, every hill, every banana tree, reveals a new glimpse of the incredible beauty of Thee.


In the middle of the floor lies a broken toy, around the corner comes streaming tears of joy.


Columbus, Kampala, Canton, Kigali, Calcutta, or wherever, you will always find a neglected orphan, a slighted widow, and a needy mother.


Books and bread, clothes and cars, polished glass and scrap metal, it doesn't really matter what it is in the kettle.


A crack in the wall, a tear in a shirt, a tear-stained, dirty cheek, a half crooked smile, a doubly-bent knee, when will we learn to really see and just be?

He did what to Uzzah?

These past few weeks I have been greatly humbled by the renewed realization of how little I know of God. Because of my depraved, sinful nature I can never know God the way I want to and this hurts and frustrates me. What is even more frustrating is how there are countless theologians, Biblical scholars, pastors, teachers, and preachers who unknowingly speak falsely of the God who they claim to know. I respect and admire their genuine desire to want to know God on a deeper level and share what they know about God; however, this must be done with great humility and perhaps even with a cautionary admission to the possibility of being wrong.

Although I don't intend this blog post to be about Rob Bell's controversial book Love Wins, the youtube video clip of Francis Chan humbly protesting the flaws in this book further echoed the incredible frustration that I have been feeling lately. Chan alludes to how most of us know much less about God than we would like to think we know. I think every one of us knows less Truth than we think we know because not all our personal beliefs are Truth since all our perspectives/world beliefs/personalities/denominations are in one way or another flawed because of our sinful nature. Obviously God is always revealing Himself to us in new ways everyday but there is a relative limit regarding how much we can learn about Him through studying Scripture without twisting, distorting, adding, or subtracting what we would like to believe or what we think we are being told. Obviously every man that has ever lived has distorted God's Word in some way because of our sinful nature (even before God's Word was written).

Romans 9:21 is taking on a new meaning for me (hopefully not so much a flawed meaning) when I think about what Chan said -we are simply pieces of clay. How ludicrous is it to think about one piece of clay explaining to another piece of clay what the potter is like! Isaiah 55:8 says:  "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." How sobering and very humbling these verses are in the face of how arrogantly and carelessly we view Scripture sometimes. How often do we draw conclusions that aren't true? What are we really saying when we say "I wouldn't believe in a God who would...."? Who would what? Do something you wouldn't do? Or think in a way that is different from the way you think? Maybe the Creator's sense of justice is more developed than yours? Maybe His love and His mercy are perfect and you are the one that is flawed?

As Chan remarks and I agree with him, there are some things that God has done that I would never have thought to do. Maybe this is why I have been feeling so frustrated lately -I have been reading through the Old Testament which is just so filled with so many stories where people die or are rather purposefully killed because of their sin. The incongruence of God's character in the OT compared with the NT used to really bother me. Obviously God is never changing -it is the way that He is portrayed in the OT and then in the NT that changes. God dealt with His people in more physical ways in the OT, whereas in the NT the judgement is more on the spiritual level.

In Exodus 32 the people sin and the priest tells them to strap swords to their sides and run back and forth and kill people even their own family -3,000 people died. Now I would have never thought to do this seemingly unmerciful act -yes the people sinned greatly by making a golden calf but to tell them to kill their own family -that is not the kind of punishment I would even have thought of. I am currently reading through 1 Chronicles and was shocked to read chapter 13 verse 9 where God strikes Uzzah dead because he reached out his hand to steady the ark because the oxen had stumbled. Yes it was a great sin to touch the ark but I would have done the same as Uzzah if I saw that the ark of God was about ready to crash upon the floor because the oxen carrying it stumbled. Yet God still killed Uzzah even though Uzzah only had good intentions -I would not have done this if I was God. And then we see good old, faithful Job, one of the most faithful guys and yet God took everything he owned away from him -we don't always understand God's ways. Perhaps one of those most puzzling things God has done was to send His one and only begotten, perfect, beloved Son to die for a people so undeserving of life and redemption. And then God takes the Devil, one of His created beings, and throws him into a lake of burning sulfur where he will be tormented day and night for ever and ever. Tormented for ever and ever? I don't think I would have ever done this...this just means that God knows something I don't know.

There are things I want desperately to be true and part of me thinks that things should have been a certain way but then I must remember that God's ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.

precarious cacophony

Around Christmas time I was do some heavy reading on the AIDS epidemic and afterward I felt incredibly frustrated -frustrated over the fact that I just read a lot of sobering stuff and I didn't know what to do about it and I couldn't find the adequate words to write what I was feeling. And then I wrote this which helped lessen some of my frustration: "Perhaps a major part of the frustration we experience as a result of failing to adequately or sufficiently express ourselves is because we may not be able to more loudly express ourselves than the thing that serves as the impetus for the expression." 

Today, that is how I felt. Like pretty much every day I have more thoughts racing through my head than I can count. Most of my thoughts make sense in my head but a much smaller fraction of them make sense in writing. Sometimes random thoughts lead to more random thoughts which then lead occasionally to some form of organization. Such as I was thinking just now....

We have so many words in the English language of which we can choose to express ourselves with. Compared with many other languages, English is richly comprised of all kinds of descriptive words and words that have multiple meanings. I often wish I could speak many other languages so I would have more ways and words of which to express myself. I am so looking forward to the day when all believers will surround the Lord's throne and in all their different languages praise Him -what a beautiful sound that will be! We can't even imagine how beautiful it will be because 1) we don't know all the different languages of the world which will take on a different meaning for us in heaven and 2) we have never heard all the languages spoken simultaneously and if you have it probably sounded like a really annoying, very harsh and unpleasant cacophonous sound which won't exist in heaven. 

Many people find that they are able to express themselves better and more freely in music. Music without lyrics is often the most powerful of all. Words are limiting -they provoke certain feelings or emotions, they recall various memories, and sometimes they stir stereotypes. This is why wordless worship is so important in fostering spiritual growth and intimacy -we aren't confined by our words. I often do my best thinking and praying in silence. I pray best not only in silence but with silence. I so oftentimes find words so inadequate that they are practically useless. However, I won't deny the power of words or their important place in time of need, but let's give a moment of silence -to silence. 

So I discovered this quote the other day in this book I am currently reading and I think it fits nicely here:

Prayer without words is not so much expressing our dependence on God, but rather experiencing it and being so overwhelmed by that experience that words become so inadequate that they are useless. Nor are they really needed. Silence alone is appropriate. Wordless prayer is a kind of firm foundation for prayer with words. For without this deep awareness of God's dynamic presence in our lives, which comes with wordless prayer, we would probably become restless and uncertain in our prayer life (wondering whether we are doing it properly, worrying about our distractedness, etc.) With wordless prayer as the secure root of our spirituality, we shall never become overanxious (at least never for long), because we shall know that we are in God and so is all else that is. This is what really matters: all reality is charged with the glory of God's presence. -William Shannon

So my train of thought continued...words are inadequate, languages are inadequate -even all the languages of the world, music is inadequate but when we get to heaven, we will hear the most beautiful music of all of God's people singing together in one Spirit and to think we can't even comprehend on this side of heaven how beautiful that will be let alone even begin to fathom the beauty of God in all His glory....it is no wonder we get so frustrated with trying to adequately express ourselves with all our silly human words.

Freedom isn't free, but is it freeing?

a girls' school in Antigua, Guatemala

As I was walking my dog early this morning I observed a recreational aircraft flying overhead. I thought about how I could probably be a pilot if I wanted to be –not that I would want to be a commercial pilot but it would be cool to have my aviator’s license. Here in the States we have so much freedom to do almost anything we want within reason and become practically whoever we want to be within reason. The more I contemplated this idea of freedom –and I am not strictly speaking “freedom” as in having political independence –the more I realized that freedom isn’t really “freeing” in the sense that we would like it to be.

We are told that “the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil” (1 Timothy 6:10). It’s kind of ironic to think how more money usually leads to more “freedom” but more “freedom” doesn’t necessarily mean one is more “freed.” Not that more money and hence more freedom always lead to more worry, more comparison, more greed, etc. but that is often the natural pattern.

As psychological beings we often reason that whatever choice we make between two equally good options that it was the best choice in order to lessen any cognitive dissonance we often experience after the decision is made. However, in the backs of our minds we are always questioning whether we should have became a doctor instead of a lawyer or if we should have bought a boat instead of a new car or if we should have vacationed in Switzerland instead of Sweden. With such an endless array of choices to be made, how can we ever achieve full contentment? True “freedom” is only found in Jesus Christ and it is only through Him that we can really escape this American illusion of “freedom.”

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love” (Galatians 5:13).

Whenever I think about my time in Guatemala I keep picturing all these little orphans who owned not one thing in this world but still donned the biggest smiles I have ever seen. They have very little freedom in our sense of the word freedom but they possessed the most freeing spirit I have ever seen. 

A Revival of Revival?

I just read an interesting article entitled “Jesus as “Lover”?” which describes the new, unbiblical Christian movement of switching focus from having the agape kind of love for Jesus to possessing a kind of eros love for Him. Of course this “Jesus as a Lover” doctrine doesn’t seem as twisted when you phrase it as “yearning for greater intimacy or emotional attachment” than when you use the words “eros” over “agape.”  

Andrew Strom, the guy who wrote the article, points out how ironic it is that many people who are drawn to this doctrine are “seeking Revival.” They really believe that this is the kind of “intimacy” God desires. Coincidentally, there has been a recent influx of Song of Solomon type themed songs. Although Strom would argue that these people take being the “Bride” of Christ as to mean we are to have the same kind of passion an earthly husband and wife have for each other, I am not sure most people espousing this doctrine view it to that same degree. I have witnessed this movement, however, and, as with all new movements, it is worthy of examination because of the “Revival” impact it is creating.

This article was written by a guy who has studied revival for many years. He finds their talk of revival ironic given the old Revivalists prayed to a God who is very different than what is described here. Understanding “who God is” is at the crux of obtaining Revival.

Strom writes:

They prayed to a God of holiness and majesty and awe –a God of glory who hates sin, yet sent His son to die for sinners. The God that the old Revivalists prayed to was the "throneroom" God that Isaiah described- "I saw also the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple... And one cried to another and said, Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts: The whole earth is full of his glory. And the posts of the door moved at the voice of him that cried, and the house was filled with smoke." (Is 6:1-5).

This is the "throneroom" God who is described again in Revelation chapter 4 - where we are told that the four beasts cry, "Holy, holy, holy" day and night without ceasing, and the 24 elders cast down their crowns before His throne - over and over again. It is "HOLINESS" that is the chief characteristic of God! No other characteristic is ever repeated three times together in the Bible - let alone over and over, day and night! -"HOLY, HOLY, HOLY."

And actually, the full title of the book of Revelation is the "Revelation of Jesus Christ". So in other words, it is a 'revealing' of who Jesus is and what He is really like. And when John (the 'beloved' disciple) first sees the glorified Christ in Revelation 1, we are told that such is His terror-inducing holiness and glory that John fell at his feet "as though dead." -This is the true Jesus - as He really is.

In every true Revival, it is the God of majesty who reveals himself. For Revival is the "Glory of God" coming down. It is His very 'throneroom' presence coming down amongst men. Thus, even His own children should approach Him with awe. And if we do not pray to this God, then we should not expect Revival at all. -That is one of the basic lessons of Revival history. -We must pray to the 'RIGHT GOD' if we are going to see true Revival.

Incidentally, the 'Bride of Christ' in Revelation is described as a 'holy city' - a "new Jerusalem" coming down from heaven. (Rev 21). So it is clearly a 'CORPORATE' entity that exists at the end of the age. -Not some individualized "girlfriend of Jesus" in the here-and-now.

It is a very serious thing to tamper with our understanding of 'WHO GOD IS' and how we relate to Him. In a lot of ways it is like preaching "another Jesus". -It really is that bad. If you hear phrases today like 'Lovesick for Jesus', 'Bridal Paradigm', "Bridal intimacy", "Inflamed heart", 'Romancing', "Ravished", 'Fascinated', etc, then you can be pretty sure that you are being exposed to this deceptive doctrine. I believe it is serious error, and I urge you to flee from it as far as you can, my friends.

belief in God is ingrained in our human nature

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/is-belief-in-god-ingrained-in-our-human-nature-a-new-study-says-so/

Preach the gospel always, but never underestimate the value of words.

Today as I was lying on a stretcher hooked up to an electrocardiogram machine, I found myself completely enmeshed in a very lively conversation with the nurse performing this diagnostic procedure. Well, basically it was the extremely vivacious nurse who spoke most of the morphemes of this conversation –that is not to say that my utterances were largely comprised of phonemes only but rather she carried the weight of the conversation. Although it was quite the difficult task to utter any morphemes anyways so I was lucky if I got out any simple phonemes.

As soon as I met this woman I could tell she needed a listening ear but more importantly she needed hope, prayer, unconditional love -a relationship with her heavenly Father. Throughout the whole 15 minutes she performed my EKG, she ranted and raved over how upset and angry she is with her work environment –how frustrated she is with her “lazy” secretaries, how she never has time to take a lunch break, how overworked she is. All I could do was just listen to her and try to empathize with her –I definitely felt like a clinical psychologist in training. I sensed this woman’s frustration and anger and I sensed her deep need for a Savior; however, I could not quite find the right words to say to her (not that she gave me much of an opportunity in getting any words in edgewise anyway). Before I left I wanted to say something like “I will pray for you” (because I did and wanted her to know) but I was afraid of how she would take it.

Fortunately, God provided me with another encounter with this woman –or perhaps it was a second chance to witness to her? I had to come back in the afternoon for my echocardiogram since she didn’t have an opening in the morning. In the hours between these meetings I couldn’t stop thinking about and praying for this desperate woman and want I might say to her.

When I came back for my echocardiogram, her mood seemed to have improved immensely. The continued rant only lasted five minutes, after this, we dived into a plethora of topics from everything to European travel to politics to economics –everything but religion. And then, the moment I have been waiting for, finally came! As we were talking about the paradox of how the seemingly healthy die young while those who live dangerously unhealthy and destructive lives seem to hang on forever, she then commented that she believes our lives our numbered by God. The woman then quickly mentioned that she is Greek Orthodox as to give a reason for her previous statement. Because of the finality in the tone of voice she used, I took this as she did not want to talk about religion or that maybe she did –because she was quite loquacious –but didn’t want to offend me if I had a differing religious belief. Now that I am at home, reflecting on this conversation, I am kicking myself for thinking the former and not seizing the opportunity to share what I believe no matter what the outcome. In the moment, I couldn’t think fast enough before she moved on to a different topic.

This encounter got me thinking about witnessing in general. Why didn’t I deliberately share with this woman how much God really loved her –not for all her life’s mistakes (messy divorce, job dissatisfaction, family issues –she pretty much shared her life story with me) but for who she is? Why wasn’t I braver? I now feel incredibly guilty for not taking advantage of this opportunity. I feel guilty as if I was too ashamed of my faith to share it but I know I am not ashamed of it. But if we are not at all ashamed to proclaim His name, why don’t we do it more often? I know my greatest fear is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I am very afraid that I might say something that will turn someone off even more if they are already somewhat turned off to Christianity. I do not want to take any responsibility for turning someone more away from Christ –the only One who can save them. Instead of turning them more away, I rather play it safe and not say anything at all. My problem is relying too much upon my own ability to think of what to say instead of relying more upon God to supply my words.

I have always liked St. Francis of Assisi’s quote: “Preach the gospel always, if necessary use words.” My unabated skepticism for why I have always liked it was only further proven when I realized that my liking of it was related to the comfort it gave me. Witnessing (the kind involving the utilization of the vocal cords) calls most people out of their comfort zone. I wonder how often people excuse their lack of verbally sharing the gospel by believing people will be transformed simply by observing their good deeds. I wonder if that woman could sense that I was different. I wonder if words were necessary in this situation. A lot of people do good works and show acts of love but not everyone is a true believer.