Last night I was talking with a friend who mentioned how funny it is that sometimes it takes us going all the way around the world to hear God's voice more clearly or to learn simple spiritual lessons that were too difficult to learn at home. Of course God is speaking to us all the time wherever we are but sometimes I think we are more apt to hear Him speaking to us when we are in different or difficult circumstances or maybe even dangerous circumstances rather than the often dull, daily circumstances of everyday life.
God definitely spoke to me during my time there. I wasn't expecting Him to speak to me through a mighty wind, or a powerful earthquake, or a brazen fire for I feel He sometimes speaks to us best through that still small voice He spoke to the prophet Elijah in. Not that God only speaks in a still small voice but what I mean to say is that I wasn't expecting to experience a mountain-top spiritual high. Going into the trip I was cautious not to let my doubt of having a spiritual mountain-top experience negate any spiritual renewal or revelation I could have had but didn't as the result of closed-mindedness or of having low expectations. Yet God chose to speak to me through a little infant boy badly infected with HIV whose name, quite ironically, is Elijah. He also spoke to me through the relationships our Taylor team built with the students at Kampala International University and the ALARM (African Leadership and Reconciliation Ministries) staff in Rwanda.
Before the trip began and in the initial stages of it, I felt a lot of guilt as I weighed the costs and benefits of short-term missions trips and my own reason for wanting to go to Africa. I used to have this philosophy that if you have already experienced one or two short-term missions trips, the external costs of going on an additional trip(s) outweigh any internal benefits because most of these benefits hopefully have already been experienced during one's first missions trip. God challenged this belief.
During our first week in Rwanda I struggled with trying to understand why I was still feeling incredibly selfish and guilty....I thought if God really wanted me here then why was He allowing me to feel this way? God then spoke to me....not in a big way but through every little interaction I had with the people there, in every smile exchanged, in every laugh shared, in every tear cried, in every hug and handshake, through every dance and song. During our time in Uganda God did something incredible -He forged some deep, meaningful relationships between people of vastly different geographical locations, personalities, and socioeconomic backgrounds.
Our lives are spiritual journeys and for me this 3 week trip to Africa was one significant spiritual journey itself within a larger span of a spiritual journey [my life]. During this 3 week spiritual journey God really taught me the importance of relationships. I used to be more of a task-oriented person growing up, but the older I get the more I realize that it's people who matter most. Over the last few years I really struggled from time to time with the idea of how I should be spending my time. I would become quite distraught over whether I should be doing this activity or that one -both may be equally good things but I would constantly fret over whether or not what I was doing was in God's will for my life and whether or not there was another activity I could have been doing that would bring God even more glory or make an even greater Kingdom-impact. Every day -and especially on this trip -I am realizing more and more that it is people who matter and not so much things or tasks. During my college years I would often feel frustrated with how tied down I was to my schoolwork -I felt I wasn't doing enough for God....not that I felt I needed to do a certain amount of good works but I just felt I wasn't doing as much as I could to further God's Kingdom. While on this trip God supplied me with a sense of comfort and peace regarding the next five years of my life which will be spent in graduate school. If there is one major lesson I learned while in Africa it is this.....it doesn't really matter where you are or what you are doing (as long as they are God-honoring places and things) but what matters is the condition of your heart.....we are most God-honoring and God-glorifying when we give Him our all wherever He takes us and in whatever task He provides for us.
There were times on this trip, as there were times on other missions trips and at other points in my life, where I felt kind of useless and I questioned the impact we were having at times. What good is there in holding a two month old baby slowly dying of HIV? When we leave the orphanage for the day even the oldest toddler probably doesn't remember us for more than a few hours or maybe a couple of days so what's the point other than to experience sadness as time draws near when we must say goodbye? Did we really come all the way to Africa to help paint part of a building? But then I came to realize through these activities that this is the work God has provided for us and we should thank Him for it first of all and then fully engage ourselves in it....we most glorify and honor Him by being fully present both in mind and spirit while doing whatever it is that we are doing, in whatever work God has provided. For me I am still not entirely sure if earning my doctorate in clinical psychology is completely in God's will for my life but I do know and take peace in knowing that it probably isn't outside of His will if He has already allowed me to get into the program, has blessed me with the financial resources, intelligence, and determination to go through the program. I know this time spent in school will allow me to hopefully impact a greater number of people on a greater level some day. Five years of graduate school is just another long, integral segment of my even longer life-long spiritual journey.
Last week while in Uganda we were encouraged to write a poem summarizing what we were feeling as the trip progressed so I tried to compose to the best of my ability, in a short-time frame, the following poem:
Another trip around the world, another white flag unfurled.
Any initial guilt has been slowly starting to wilt.
When did fetching a pail of water suddenly become more important than His own precious daughter?
Every cow, every hill, every banana tree, reveals a new glimpse of the incredible beauty of Thee.
In the middle of the floor lies a broken toy, around the corner comes streaming tears of joy.
Columbus, Kampala, Canton, Kigali, Calcutta, or wherever, you will always find a neglected orphan, a slighted widow, and a needy mother.
Books and bread, clothes and cars, polished glass and scrap metal, it doesn't really matter what it is in the kettle.
A crack in the wall, a tear in a shirt, a tear-stained, dirty cheek, a half crooked smile, a doubly-bent knee, when will we learn to really see and just be?
