Today as I was lying on a stretcher hooked up to an electrocardiogram machine, I found myself completely enmeshed in a very lively conversation with the nurse performing this diagnostic procedure. Well, basically it was the extremely vivacious nurse who spoke most of the morphemes of this conversation –that is not to say that my utterances were largely comprised of phonemes only but rather she carried the weight of the conversation. Although it was quite the difficult task to utter any morphemes anyways so I was lucky if I got out any simple phonemes.
As soon as I met this woman I could tell she needed a listening ear but more importantly she needed hope, prayer, unconditional love -a relationship with her heavenly Father. Throughout the whole 15 minutes she performed my EKG, she ranted and raved over how upset and angry she is with her work environment –how frustrated she is with her “lazy” secretaries, how she never has time to take a lunch break, how overworked she is. All I could do was just listen to her and try to empathize with her –I definitely felt like a clinical psychologist in training. I sensed this woman’s frustration and anger and I sensed her deep need for a Savior; however, I could not quite find the right words to say to her (not that she gave me much of an opportunity in getting any words in edgewise anyway). Before I left I wanted to say something like “I will pray for you” (because I did and wanted her to know) but I was afraid of how she would take it.
Fortunately, God provided me with another encounter with this woman –or perhaps it was a second chance to witness to her? I had to come back in the afternoon for my echocardiogram since she didn’t have an opening in the morning. In the hours between these meetings I couldn’t stop thinking about and praying for this desperate woman and want I might say to her.
When I came back for my echocardiogram, her mood seemed to have improved immensely. The continued rant only lasted five minutes, after this, we dived into a plethora of topics from everything to European travel to politics to economics –everything but religion. And then, the moment I have been waiting for, finally came! As we were talking about the paradox of how the seemingly healthy die young while those who live dangerously unhealthy and destructive lives seem to hang on forever, she then commented that she believes our lives our numbered by God. The woman then quickly mentioned that she is Greek Orthodox as to give a reason for her previous statement. Because of the finality in the tone of voice she used, I took this as she did not want to talk about religion or that maybe she did –because she was quite loquacious –but didn’t want to offend me if I had a differing religious belief. Now that I am at home, reflecting on this conversation, I am kicking myself for thinking the former and not seizing the opportunity to share what I believe no matter what the outcome. In the moment, I couldn’t think fast enough before she moved on to a different topic.
This encounter got me thinking about witnessing in general. Why didn’t I deliberately share with this woman how much God really loved her –not for all her life’s mistakes (messy divorce, job dissatisfaction, family issues –she pretty much shared her life story with me) but for who she is? Why wasn’t I braver? I now feel incredibly guilty for not taking advantage of this opportunity. I feel guilty as if I was too ashamed of my faith to share it but I know I am not ashamed of it. But if we are not at all ashamed to proclaim His name, why don’t we do it more often? I know my greatest fear is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I am very afraid that I might say something that will turn someone off even more if they are already somewhat turned off to Christianity. I do not want to take any responsibility for turning someone more away from Christ –the only One who can save them. Instead of turning them more away, I rather play it safe and not say anything at all. My problem is relying too much upon my own ability to think of what to say instead of relying more upon God to supply my words.
I have always liked St. Francis of Assisi’s quote: “Preach the gospel always, if necessary use words.” My unabated skepticism for why I have always liked it was only further proven when I realized that my liking of it was related to the comfort it gave me. Witnessing (the kind involving the utilization of the vocal cords) calls most people out of their comfort zone. I wonder how often people excuse their lack of verbally sharing the gospel by believing people will be transformed simply by observing their good deeds. I wonder if that woman could sense that I was different. I wonder if words were necessary in this situation. A lot of people do good works and show acts of love but not everyone is a true believer.
