I will joy

"Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls -
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation."

I love rereading things and discovering them anew again and again....I always remember the word joy in this passage being used as a noun but it is so refreshing and powerful to hear it used as a verb!

a prayer of acceptance

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

I only ever really liked that last line of the serenity prayer. I am just now becoming more aware of the delicate line that exists between desiring change, expecting change, working towards change, and just accepting how things are. I think most people have more of a propensity towards change than acceptance, personally-speaking I mean. It's easy to want to another person to change, it's harder to realize that it is sometimes you who needs the changing. However, I still think most of us possess more courage to change the things we can/want to change and much less courage to just accept ourselves the way we are. In practically every instance where change is and should be desirable, acceptance must come first. Acceptance is almost twice as long as a word compared to change, but it is often overlooked half the time.

Sometimes I wonder how much of our grief is really tied to the unrecognizable need for acceptance and the unreasonable desire for change. Grief over inability of a family member to change looks a lot different than grief over a family member's unwillingness to change.

How much of ourselves are we really capable of changing? We are told things such as "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." Maybe we should learn to accept more of who God made us to be. It is only through a clouded lens that we see the person God created in all his capabilities, goals, motivations, desires as well as in all his limitations, inabilities, and incompetencies. There also exists the easy acceptance trap that becomes more of the easy apathetic trap which we must be weary of. Never quite realized before how much of life is like walking a tightrope with acceptance on one side and change on the other. 

God grant me....the wisdom to know the difference. 

no place I'd rather be

I am quite fond of this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NlJr6TE7b4&feature=related

Music helps to beautify my soul.

He knows us

I don't know who I am, but You know.

You know me.

This is enough comfort.

There isn't as much guilt as there is peace in my anxieties, worries, and fears when I think about how You know.

I am justified, I am free because He knows me.

One of my favorite verses is 1 Corinthians 13:12: "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."

the hardest question I have ever been asked

"How come America is more blessed than Africa?" a young Rwandan school girl asked me as we sat together on a grassy hill sharing conversation last summer. I think this is probably the hardest question I have ever been asked.

I just watched this short video clip (http://www.altervideomagazine.com/2011/07/13/the-worst-place-on-earth/) of Lynne Hybels describing the disgusting tragedies happening in the Congo. She goes on to say: "in so many places where you see the church really being a Church, it is the poor caring for the desperately poor and it is the sick caring for the dying..."

Sometimes I can't help but think Africa is more "blessed" than America. Sometimes I can't help but wonder how much more generous I would be if I had less to live on or how much more compassion I would have for the dying if terminal cancer was destroying my own body.

Sometimes I get so frustrated because I simply don't know.... I don't know how much culture has influenced my theological view....or how to even begin to try to un-tie these two...and this scares me. How much do I really let culture decide what is "God's will" for my life? I don't understand why I was born into much materially wealth that has provided me with countless resources -both necessary resources to sustain life and completely unnecessary, selfishly excessive resources that I would probably be better off without. I don't know what to do with this constant, heavy frustration.....I often feel all I really have to offer God is this humble state of utter confusion.

I don't know how to just simply trust that where I am in life is exactly where God wants me without somehow feeling like I am forgetting a little bit about all the little African children I met last summer walking the streets with dirty, torn clothes and swollen bellies. My heart longs to be with these children or the people I met living in a garbage dump in Guatemala. Sure I am probably guilty of romanticizing poverty to some degree or another...but isn't it also so true that it often takes living among the sick and the dying to get us to remember that we are the sick and the dying? Sure the more academic degrees I earn might help me to make an even "greater impact." I love the work I am learning to do and am eager to continue to develop as a professional. I can always bring my line of work to Africa but this frustration, uneasiness, discontentment, distrust, or whatever you want to call it goes beyond Africa. Admittedly, I am probably still dealing with some reverse culture shock but when did we start classifying reverse culture shock as some sort of pathology? It is culture itself that is pathological.

I have become quite weary of Christian culture over the years...you watch this following clip and want to throw up because of this uneasiness we have created in ourselves in terms of how we integrate theology and culture: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2011/12/30/art-conscience-and-theological-mccarthyism/ -the media, theologians, authors, speakers, and bloggers (myself included) who think they know the exact interpretation and application of Micah 6:8, who think they know exactly what it means to be a follower of Christ in suburbia America or maybe they are a bit more humble and admit their limited understanding but you still desperately want to believe everything they say because they are John Piper or John Calvin or Bethany Webb :) Well, maybe you can feel safe believing everything they say if they are one of my favorite Taylor University people, Ken Taylor, whose personal translation of Galatians 6:4-5 is this: "Let everyone be sure that he is doing his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work well done, and won't need to compare himself with someone else. Each of us must bear some faults and burdens of his own. For none of us is perfect!"

How often I am told if I just do my best wherever I am, doing whatever I am doing then that is all the Lord asks of me....maybe this strong desire to go back to Africa is more than just an emotional pull at my heart strings, maybe it is one of the signs of what it means to "be called"...but what I can't understand is how any person of faith can go to Africa and not want to go back there for a more permanent stay...sure there is a lot one can do to make that seemingly "bigger difference" without actually living there but how can one not want to have consistent, personal contact to be able to frequently hug the sick and dying? Yes, Jesus refers to the sick and dying as meaning those who are poor in spirit as well (who are everywhere) but I just can't shake -and don't want to -this desperate longing to live among the real sick and dying in order to just maybe become a little more sick and dying myself.

"How come America is more blessed than Africa?" I don't know.

Jean Vanier on growth and the capacity of the heart to be broken.

http://www.altervideomagazine.com/2011/10/28/enlarge-life/

Joy is in the acquiescing

I used to wonder why C.S. Lewis found himself so “surprised” by joy. There is so much joy in life –and hardship too, of course –but ultimately joy knowing God has already purchased our joy-everlasting.

But finding joy in this life is not a choice but a command and it must be fought for daily. We are called to partake in perpetual communion –daily eucharisteo –thanking God for everything all the time….this is where the deep joy we all want to experience is found. As I read her book, One Thousand Gifts, I was encouraged by Ann Voskamp to verbalize and journal all the little gifts/graces I notice God bestowing on me everyday. Obviously, all of life is grace but how does one become exceedingly grateful for the exceeding blessings in life if they aren’t each carefully spoken of, reflected on, treasured? Can the heart fully register what the mind doesn’t first fully process?

Is there any true way to discover joy but as surprise? We all must fight for joy daily…fight to be continuously surprised by joy that is experienced again and again day after day by the same objects and people and tasks we must encounter no matter how mundane or tiresome or lackluster they become or seem to us overtime.

For a while, I thought if only I could run though the open fields and dance all crazy and run in circles until I fall down dizzy then I can experience some of this child-like joy to the fullest…but how to find the same kind of joy when folding laundry, grocery shopping, or writing a paper? This is why being surprised by joy is such a terribly hard and serious fight….we don’t always see joy in every moment, yet God is in every moment.

We are called to complete the Communion service in service. I love this quote by Tagore: “I slept and dreamt life was joy, I awoke and saw life was service, I acted and behold, service was joy.”

Henri Nouwen once said: “The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift to be celebrated with joy.”

Gratitude is certainly a discipline –it definitely takes grace to acknowledge grace. Going through the daily grind doesn’t look so daily or so grinding when we really acknowledge that every moment is sacred and every hour is Holy Communion.  But will we accept the gifts He has given us?